Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
