Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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