I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
