Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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