I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
