just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
