my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
