saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
