i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
