I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
