Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize