My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize