I wannas sexs uuuuu
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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