you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
