I am in a vortex of obligation.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
