just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
