I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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