I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
