it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
