i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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