just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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