So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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