I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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