my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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