i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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