It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
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