M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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