Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
