Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There's always time for handjobs
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
