I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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