Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize