Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
