Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize