Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
