I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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