I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
