Your face is a jimmy john
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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