dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
