I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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