You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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