And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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