"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
