i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
