He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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