I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
