From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
BRING THE BAGELS
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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