party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize