tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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