You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
