So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
