i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
