im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
