Im at strip club and am horny
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
