We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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