Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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