i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
