She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dicks are not precious.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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