I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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