I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
