You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
