you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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