I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
