his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
